Don Unverferth
12-07-2009, 12:42 PM
Parody news article found posted on a Gators website by a Buckeye fan:
Archie Griffin Drives by Tim Tebow’s Dorm Flashing Both His Heismans
GAINESVILLE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Archie Griffin, the former Ohio State running back and sole two-time winner of the Heisman Trophy, drove by Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow’s dormitory hall late Sunday evening furiously honking the horn of his Ford Explorer. Once he captured the attention of Tebow, he thrust his two Heisman Trophy awards high into the air in plain view of the highly touted signal caller as well as several hundred onlookers. Tebow was honored with one Heisman as a sophomore, and he was a heavy hyped as a contender to be only the second two-time winner. However, he lost his bid to equal the Ohio State legend, Griffin, by choking in the SEC Championship against Alabama and then crying about the loss on National TV.
“Take a good look.” This is as close as you’ll ever get to two of ‘em!”, “This is what it looks like, b_i_t_c_h!” screamed Griffin during an uncharacteristically angry diatribe. “I thought I’d finally have me some company, but you choked. You blew it. It’s still only me.”
It remains unclear if Griffin was mocking Tebow or there was a different emotion at work bubbling underneath.
“Archie is literally in a class all by himself,” “He is peerless.” said sports psychologist Carson Cavett. “Think about it, there is no other person who has ever lived has won two Heismans. Not even John Heisman had two Heismans! It must be a lonely and confusing feeling. There is no two-time Heisman brotherhood. Griffin towers above the players that tower above all the other players. More guys have walked on the moon, been molested by Michael Jackson, or cut off their p_e_n_i_s_e_s in an oscillating fan than there are multiple Heisman winners. It’s not clear to me from Archie’s stunt if he was taunting Tebow or was if he was crushed by Tebow’s inability to stand alongside him in the pantheon of college football’s most exclusive accomplishment.” said Cavett.
Most college football analysts agree that Griffin may have company-someday. They also agree that it is possible that Hillary Clinton will be crowned Miss Argentina in 2010. However, this fact is certain Tebow will never join Griffin.
Tebow led teams have won two National Championships, Tebow has cured cancer, and he has invented hangoverless scotch to boot. He has done more for humanity than any person on the planet with the possible exception of Barack Obama. In the end, it just was not enough to deliver a second Heisman. “I tried. I tried really hard.” whined Tebow as he dried his eyes with a dainty-wipe towlete.
“I hope for Archie’s sake someone does join him,” said college football broadcasting legend Keith Jackson. “But until then, Griffin must wait – and walk alone on a journey only he has taken – an arduous, unending, lonely, trek that only he and he alone can understand.”Such is the personal h_e_l_l of the man who truly dominated college football and whose achievements have never been equaled.
Archie Griffin Drives by Tim Tebow’s Dorm Flashing Both His Heismans
GAINESVILLE, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Archie Griffin, the former Ohio State running back and sole two-time winner of the Heisman Trophy, drove by Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow’s dormitory hall late Sunday evening furiously honking the horn of his Ford Explorer. Once he captured the attention of Tebow, he thrust his two Heisman Trophy awards high into the air in plain view of the highly touted signal caller as well as several hundred onlookers. Tebow was honored with one Heisman as a sophomore, and he was a heavy hyped as a contender to be only the second two-time winner. However, he lost his bid to equal the Ohio State legend, Griffin, by choking in the SEC Championship against Alabama and then crying about the loss on National TV.
“Take a good look.” This is as close as you’ll ever get to two of ‘em!”, “This is what it looks like, b_i_t_c_h!” screamed Griffin during an uncharacteristically angry diatribe. “I thought I’d finally have me some company, but you choked. You blew it. It’s still only me.”
It remains unclear if Griffin was mocking Tebow or there was a different emotion at work bubbling underneath.
“Archie is literally in a class all by himself,” “He is peerless.” said sports psychologist Carson Cavett. “Think about it, there is no other person who has ever lived has won two Heismans. Not even John Heisman had two Heismans! It must be a lonely and confusing feeling. There is no two-time Heisman brotherhood. Griffin towers above the players that tower above all the other players. More guys have walked on the moon, been molested by Michael Jackson, or cut off their p_e_n_i_s_e_s in an oscillating fan than there are multiple Heisman winners. It’s not clear to me from Archie’s stunt if he was taunting Tebow or was if he was crushed by Tebow’s inability to stand alongside him in the pantheon of college football’s most exclusive accomplishment.” said Cavett.
Most college football analysts agree that Griffin may have company-someday. They also agree that it is possible that Hillary Clinton will be crowned Miss Argentina in 2010. However, this fact is certain Tebow will never join Griffin.
Tebow led teams have won two National Championships, Tebow has cured cancer, and he has invented hangoverless scotch to boot. He has done more for humanity than any person on the planet with the possible exception of Barack Obama. In the end, it just was not enough to deliver a second Heisman. “I tried. I tried really hard.” whined Tebow as he dried his eyes with a dainty-wipe towlete.
“I hope for Archie’s sake someone does join him,” said college football broadcasting legend Keith Jackson. “But until then, Griffin must wait – and walk alone on a journey only he has taken – an arduous, unending, lonely, trek that only he and he alone can understand.”Such is the personal h_e_l_l of the man who truly dominated college football and whose achievements have never been equaled.